You never get loved the way you want to be loved, you get loved the way its offered.
It's hard to wrap your head around that isn't it? I think its what Rilke meant when he said, "Love is the first great aloneness". What I mean is that you have to surrender to who you're with and relate to them for who they are... and so there's loss in there to work through. There's a giving up of a sub-conscious agenda and there's a deeper experience of living in and working in the pragmatic reality, rather than relationship as power struggle or opera.
I'll get into it more later, and when I do I'll talk about the other great (couples) fallacy, "when two become one, as long as it's my one".